Cheerfully Improbable Classified Headlines, Vol. 8

Linguists Needed Immediately!

(Thanks, once again, to the Craigslist "etcetera" section.)

Bloviating with Bill

Bill O'Reilly, ever the practical joker, is pretending that he wants people who disagree with him to drop by the studio and "debate" him. (Translation: plenty of shouting, lots of derisive laughter and maybe, just maybe, your own little Jeremy Glick moment [watch this, if you haven't; watch it again, if you have]--oh, and the "Factor"'s crack post-production team reserves the right to edit you down to his level.)

But, still. How could anyone resist an offer like that? Here's my proposal:

Mr. O'Reilly--

I had the singular opportunity to watch the "Factor" almost nightly this summer while on the treadmill at the gym, and I can personally testify that your show provided me with more adrenalin (and, ultimately, more motivation) than any workout video ever could have. I lost ten pounds this summer, and I just wanted to thank you up front for your part in that. Have you ever considered doing a special "O'Reilly Fat-Burning Factor"? ("Fat, you're on notice: You've entered the 'So Thin Zone'!") (And yes: I'm keeping a copy of this email in a safe place in case you ever do. I want at least 10%.)

I appreciate the gentlemanly spirit of the offer that you are making to those of us who disagree with your perspective on various issues, and I would like to respectfully accept it in the same spirit. I would very much like to have a conversation with you--free, if possible, from sweeping generalizations or personal attacks on either side--and I would like that conversation to center on the continuing detention of foreign nationals on territory under "complete jurisdiction and control" of the United States.

I believe that the existence and three-years-and-counting operation of the American detention facilities at Guantanamo Bay will be recorded to history as a tragic mistake, one easily as misguided as the detention of Japanese-American citizens during the Second World War or the abduction and forced education of Native American children in the late 19th century. As a progressively-minded, NASA-loving, American Christian who believes in the strength and wisdom of our great Constitution, it pains me to see my country being so quick to take up the undemocratic, lowminded tactics of the enemy--especially given just how inhumane and ideologically inferior this enemy is.

The intentional creation of a zone beyond the scope of U.S. or international law simply for the purpose of indefinitely "detaining" (and, very probably, torturing) "terror suspects"--many of them abducted from the streets of Western nations--should send up a red flag in the mind of any American worthy of his passport. I am not suggesting that everyone in Camp Delta is wholly innocent, or even that some of these men haven't actively taken up arms against my country. I am merely suggesting that perhaps they should have have an opportunity to be charged with something or--at the very least--have an opportunity to be told under what evidence they are being held in perpetuity in conditions somewhat slightly less glamorous than the "Club Gitmo" that Mr. Limbaugh so cheerfully describes. This is not a new or shocking suggestion: it is a basic courtesy that every Western democracy extends to its prisoners. If we are truly to effectively spread democratic freedoms in the Middle East and beyond, shouldn't our government be providing the best possible example? Just a thought.

Having spent some time on this issue, I am fully prepared to discuss (and, yes, even debate) as much of the relevant law (including the applicable Geneva Conventions and the recent Supreme Court and DC District Court decisions), facts, and known issues on this subject as you would like to get into. I am willing to do this because I believe that I am not the only moderately-inclined voter who feels that this is one of the most important issues facing our country today, and because I have always secretly wanted to meet you.

I eagerly await your considered response.

Zen and the art of (ultra-violent) iPod maintenance

Okay, this isn't really relevant to anything. But here's something that made my life a little easier:

The really scary thing about Apple's iPod (excepting, of course, the flashdrive-based Nanos and Shuffles) is that it's really just a fancy case for a surprisingly middling 2.5" hard drive. You probably already knew this, but it's still worth thinking about: your musical life is daily entrusted to a whirring, multi-headed, capricious little animal of about the same size and constitution of the one in most of today's laptops.

Except that most people don't drop most of today's laptops five or six times a month.

I broke my iPod in December, and it was a sour end to a pretty good year. If you've ever gotten that ugly exclamation point folder (or, worse yet, the "sad" iPod icon) when you start up your iPod, you know the kind of existential pain I'm talking about. (If you haven't--and you're even half as clumsy as I am--you will, someday. So be prepared.)

Sure, you could spend about half the value of your already-outdated unit by sending it in to Apple or some online chop shop. But they're probably just going to start off with what I'm about to tell you to try: namely, hitting it very, very hard.

I know that this is painfully counterintuitive. If you're like most people (which, of course, I am not--I won mine in London), you paid somewhere around $300-400 for this thing, and just because you really want to hit it right now doesn't mean that you don't know better. Hard drives aren't supposed to take well to sudden, violent shocks, right? Well, sure. But neither are people, and EST--despite all that we should have learned from R.P. McMurphy--is more popular than ever.

My method (and, of course, your mileage may vary) proceeds thusly:

1) Hold top of iPod between thumb and index finger of your non-dominant hand, caliper-style.
2) Apologize to iPod in whatever manner you find most appropriate. (I opted for the old "This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you" approach; you might want to try "I wouldn't have to do this if you didn't make Mommy drink so much.")
3) Ready your dominant hand in the style of one going in for the kill in a particularly vicious tetherball game.
4) Smack iPod. This smack should be somewhere between "like it owes you money," and a particularly sadistic obstetrician. Allow some give so that it can swing a bit between your fingers. (Depending on finger strength, you might want to do this over a mattress, as this technique will inevitably to send it flying at least once.)
5) Test iPod. If failure persists, try rotating it and trying again.

I know this sounds like a joke, but I've been using variations on this technique on dead hard drives for going on fifteen years. Sometimes it even works.

Everyone wants two of themselves and half of anyone else around.

Those of you prone to obsessively refreshing this blog every ten minutes may have noticed by now that I haven't written anything for about a month. (And now there's more! Just when you'd finally gotten up for coffee! HA!) I have some reasons for this. Here they are:

1) I don't really have any news.
2) I sort of woke up and realized that I'm not really comfortable with my entire online identity being that I don't have a job. It's just not really very funny anymore.
3) I've become very superstitious about talking about interviews or temp opportunities.

And the only things approaching news that would be relevant to this blog are these items:

1) I sent out another mass mailing to a good cross-section of litigation firms in the Boston area. I don't expect too much out of this, but it felt good and I thought it was time to add to my burgeoning rejection-letter collection.
2) My interview with the Suffolk County D.A.'s office is coming up quickly. I'm prepared, but, again, don't want to talk about it too much yet.
3) As of the new year, I'm registered with three additional temp agencies. So that's something.

More sooner than later.