Bloviating with Bill

Bill O'Reilly, ever the practical joker, is pretending that he wants people who disagree with him to drop by the studio and "debate" him. (Translation: plenty of shouting, lots of derisive laughter and maybe, just maybe, your own little Jeremy Glick moment [watch this, if you haven't; watch it again, if you have]--oh, and the "Factor"'s crack post-production team reserves the right to edit you down to his level.)

But, still. How could anyone resist an offer like that? Here's my proposal:

Mr. O'Reilly--

I had the singular opportunity to watch the "Factor" almost nightly this summer while on the treadmill at the gym, and I can personally testify that your show provided me with more adrenalin (and, ultimately, more motivation) than any workout video ever could have. I lost ten pounds this summer, and I just wanted to thank you up front for your part in that. Have you ever considered doing a special "O'Reilly Fat-Burning Factor"? ("Fat, you're on notice: You've entered the 'So Thin Zone'!") (And yes: I'm keeping a copy of this email in a safe place in case you ever do. I want at least 10%.)

I appreciate the gentlemanly spirit of the offer that you are making to those of us who disagree with your perspective on various issues, and I would like to respectfully accept it in the same spirit. I would very much like to have a conversation with you--free, if possible, from sweeping generalizations or personal attacks on either side--and I would like that conversation to center on the continuing detention of foreign nationals on territory under "complete jurisdiction and control" of the United States.

I believe that the existence and three-years-and-counting operation of the American detention facilities at Guantanamo Bay will be recorded to history as a tragic mistake, one easily as misguided as the detention of Japanese-American citizens during the Second World War or the abduction and forced education of Native American children in the late 19th century. As a progressively-minded, NASA-loving, American Christian who believes in the strength and wisdom of our great Constitution, it pains me to see my country being so quick to take up the undemocratic, lowminded tactics of the enemy--especially given just how inhumane and ideologically inferior this enemy is.

The intentional creation of a zone beyond the scope of U.S. or international law simply for the purpose of indefinitely "detaining" (and, very probably, torturing) "terror suspects"--many of them abducted from the streets of Western nations--should send up a red flag in the mind of any American worthy of his passport. I am not suggesting that everyone in Camp Delta is wholly innocent, or even that some of these men haven't actively taken up arms against my country. I am merely suggesting that perhaps they should have have an opportunity to be charged with something or--at the very least--have an opportunity to be told under what evidence they are being held in perpetuity in conditions somewhat slightly less glamorous than the "Club Gitmo" that Mr. Limbaugh so cheerfully describes. This is not a new or shocking suggestion: it is a basic courtesy that every Western democracy extends to its prisoners. If we are truly to effectively spread democratic freedoms in the Middle East and beyond, shouldn't our government be providing the best possible example? Just a thought.

Having spent some time on this issue, I am fully prepared to discuss (and, yes, even debate) as much of the relevant law (including the applicable Geneva Conventions and the recent Supreme Court and DC District Court decisions), facts, and known issues on this subject as you would like to get into. I am willing to do this because I believe that I am not the only moderately-inclined voter who feels that this is one of the most important issues facing our country today, and because I have always secretly wanted to meet you.

I eagerly await your considered response.